Need some critism

[Spooboy]

Knowing how critical you guys are I thought I would share a piece of writing I’m working on. It’s far from done, and I need a lot of advice. Here are a few things I need help on:

1. How should I start this?
2. What should I get ride of/remove?
3. What should I add?
4. What sounds good, and what doesn’t?
5. How can I find a writing style that truly fits me (as I’m borrowing from many different authors)?

Please try to stay constructive… I don’t need people telling me it sucks, but rather what you don’t like about it. It’s not a project or anything, I just enjoy writing. Here’s what I have so far:

Long passed in the former world, before the gray brick lighthouse was precariously suspended on the rock-strewn peninsula, followed by this then erected into port and township. Long before the first man set foot onto the sandy beaches, and set in motion establishment.

True, it had been long sense the island called out in its mysterious lore, sending bright its audible token straight into the airwaves, meeting with the cool air, and emitting for the world to behold a demonstration of likely magnificence. For it called, and the black rocks listened, it called, and the trees sang, it called, and the wind whistled. But, by and by, year after year, the rocks stopped listening and forgot how to hear, the trees stopped singing and forgot even the simplest note, and the wind stopped whistling, and forgot how to squeeze but a blow from cheek.

Never the less, not a year had gone – nor had the subtle silhouette of hollowed trees eroded in the gut of beetle distorted in position from former passing by the cosmic alignment - with the intention that of the beacon not transmitting its ancient sign. It sent out, like a torch shining brightly beside the tide. And year after year, the dirt trails had forgotten the passerby’s of creature. The wooden oak, with routs long plunged into the plot amidst the Hebrides had sense, befitting their worn old age, began to mold, reduce, and decay into only that which would be suitable of smaller and less minded beings.

The signal called; however, there was none from this consign to rejoin its arid message but the forlorn, dry airstream drifting, by and by, amidst the cliffs and black rocks littering the zone. Even the lifeless, flaccid, and elderly foliage long sense forgotten about the white noise. A sad omniscient tone bounced from the moldy wreck amidst the coast, through the innards of the hermit, and gull.

[danielsangeo]

First problem I see without even reading is the “Wall O’ Text”. Try to break it down into more manageable bite-sized paragraphs so it’s easier to read.

[Spooboy]

@danielsangeo

First problem I see without even reading is the “Wall O’ Text”. Try to break it down into more manageable bite-sized paragraphs so it’s easier to read.

True, however, I intended on this section being one paragraph. But I’ll break it down for you guys, because I too hate reading walls of text.

[Toxicitate]

Long passed in the former world, before the gray brick lighthouse was precariously suspended on the rock-strewn peninsula, followed by this then erected into port and township. Long before the first man set foot onto the sandy beaches, and set in motion establishment.

followed by this then erected into port and township.

then erected into

erected

:retard:

[Jethrosoup]

I may get nit-picky here, but hey, that’s what you asked for, right?

@Spooboy

Long passed in the former world, before the gray brick lighthouse was precariously suspended on the rock-strewn peninsula, followed by this then erected into port and township. Long before the first man set foot onto the sandy beaches, and set in motion establishment.

Both of these sentences are incomplete. It doesn’t sit right with me, though I suppose you could write it off as artistic liberty.

@Spooboy

True, it had been long sense the island called out in its mysterious lore

I think you mean “since,” not “sense.”

@Spooboy

For it called, and the black rocks listened, it called, and the trees sang, it called, and the wind whistled.

I think this could be better broken up by use of of semi-colons.

@Spooboy

But, by and by, year after year, the rocks stopped listening and forgot how to hear, the trees stopped singing and forgot even the simplest note, and the wind stopped whistling, and forgot how to squeeze but a blow from cheek.

Same here.

@Spooboy

Never the less

I think this would be more appropriate as a single word.

Overall, it’s not bad. Just don’t let your word choice get in the way of the sentence flow.

[E-Nelson]

@Spooboy

Long passed in the former world, before the gray brick lighthouse was precariously suspended on the rock-strewn peninsula, followed by this then erected into port and township. [COLOR=‘DeepSkyBlue’]This sentence doesn’t make sense. It’s like a run-on fragment. Long before [COLOR=’#00bfff’]You’re sounding repetitive here the first man set foot onto the sandy beaches, and set in motion establishment. [COLOR=’#00bfff’]Still a fragment.

True, it had been long sense the island called out in its mysterious lore, sending bright its audible token straight into the airwaves, meeting with the cool air, [COLOR=’#00bfff’]<-- no comma needed here and emitting for the world to behold a demonstration of likely magnificence [COLOR=’#00bfff’]that doesn’t make sense. perhaps you mean “probably magnificence?”. For it called, and the black rocks listened, [COLOR=’#00bfff’]<-- change to semi-colon it called, and the trees sang, [COLOR=’#00bfff’]same here it called, and the wind whistled. But, by and by, year after year, the rocks stopped listening and forgot how to hear, [COLOR=’#00bfff’]change to semi-colon the trees stopped singing and forgot even the simplest note, [COLOR=’#00bfff’]again… and the wind stopped whistling, and forgot how to squeeze but a blow from cheek [COLOR=’#00bfff’]what does a blow from cheek mean?.

Never the less, not a year had gone – [COLOR=’#00bfff’]should be two dashes nor had the subtle silhouette of hollowed trees eroded in the gut of beetle distorted in position from former passing by the cosmic alignment - with the intention that of the beacon not transmitting its ancient sign. It sent out, like a torch shining brightly beside the tide. And year after year, the dirt trails had forgotten the passerby’s [COLOR=’#00bfff’]not a word, and incorrect usage of apostrophe of creature. The wooden oak, [COLOR=’#00bfff’]change to dashes with routs long plunged into the plot amidst the Hebrides had sense, [COLOR=’#00bfff’]remove comma splice befitting their worn old age, [COLOR=’#00bfff’]dashes began to mold, reduce, and decay into only that which would be suitable of smaller and less minded beings.

The signal called; however, there was none from this consign to rejoin its arid message but the forlorn, dry airstream [COLOR=’#00bfff’]not a word drifting, by and by, amidst the cliffs and black rocks littering the zone. Even the lifeless, flaccid, and elderly foliage long sense [COLOR=’#00bfff’]you mean “had long since forgotten” forgotten about the white noise. A sad omniscient tone bounced from the moldy wreck amidst the coast, through the innards of the hermit, [COLOR=’#00bfff’]remove comma and gull.

Overall it uses too much forced figurative language to the point where it becomes filler. Eloquence and rhetoric are nice, but they should serve to complement, not supplement.
Also, work on your sentence structure and grammar.

[Piefish]

tl;dr

[fx1]

tl;dr

[BaTz281]

@E-Nelson

Overall it uses too much forced figurative language to the point where it becomes filler. Eloquence and rhetoric are nice, but they should serve to complement, not supplement.
Also, work on your sentence structure and grammar.

This. It suffers from “purple prose” - Link. But as for content, and where this story could possibly go (i.e. seems ancient, mysterious island) - I like it.

[Lukagerm]

@Spooboy

1. How should I start this?

This is a good start (but needs some development).

@Spooboy

2. What should I get ride of/remove?

I would put it away and start again (more than once, if you can bear it).
I’ve been making a set of watch hands and I’ve found that it’s easy to get caught up in adjusting what you’ve already done. Sometimes, that can be a good learning process but, other times, it’s better to start again.

@Spooboy

3. What should I add?

What do you want to express?

@Spooboy

4. What sounds good, and what doesn’t?

You have to decide. Try to get a friend/relative/stranger to read it out to you. That should give you an idea of how people respond to the writing. If you find that someone doesn’t understand what you’ve written, interrupting them to tell them that they’ve misinterpreted it may not be too productive. Instead, think about how to convey your meaning more effectively.

@Spooboy

5. How can I find a writing style that truly fits me (as I’m borrowing from many different authors)?

Everyone has their own style but the hard part is to express it honestly without merely imitating. It’s useful to be inspired but you need to decide what you genuinely feel is appropriate to your piece.

All in all, I found it difficult to read your writing as it’s complicated and confusing. It may be very cleverly written but I couldn’t get any meaning out of it. You could try describing the same scene with various restrictions (e.g. limit sentence length or number of adjectives) and see how it affects the final piece.

Also: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4Z48Jz641w

[szparrow]

@Spooboy

For it called, and the black rocks listened, it called, and the trees sang, it called, and the wind whistled. But, by and by, year after year, the rocks stopped listening and forgot how to hear, the trees stopped singing and forgot even the simplest note, and the wind stopped whistling, and forgot how to squeeze but a blow from cheek.

[taxi_evil]

Semi-colon is used to link two related sentences that don’t directly follow. An example from a report I wrote just last week:

If the laminar sublayer is sufficiently thick to cover the roughness elements in the pipe, then the flow is referred to as hydraulically smooth; if not, then the flow is hydraulically rough (Hamill, 2001).

I didn’t see any bits in your piece where I felt it needed one, but I could always be wrong

Seems a lot of people here are criticising for the sake of it; I thought it was an excellent piece (And another example for you there). Try to avoid using words you’re not sure of the meaning of, but it’s far more likely they’re just words I don’t use in everyday conversation, and you’re fully aware of the meaning

Oh and one final bit of advice: post the full thing up when you’re finished

[sersoft]

@Spooboy

[COLOR=‘Gray’]Long passed in the former world, before the gray brick lighthouse was precariously suspended on the rock-strewn peninsula, followed by this then erected[COLOR=‘Gray’] into port and township. Long before the first man set foot onto the sandy beaches, and set in motion establishment.

True, it had been long sense the island called out in its mysterious lore, sending bright its audible token straight into the airwaves, meeting with the cool air, and emitting for the world to behold a demonstration of likely magnificence. For it called, and the black rocks listened, it called, and the trees sang, it called, and the wind whistled. But, by and by, year after year, the rocks stopped listening and forgot how to hear, the trees stopped singing and forgot even the simplest note, and the wind stopped whistling, and forgot how to squeeze but a blow from cheek.

Never the less, not a year had gone – nor had the subtle silhouette of hollowed trees eroded in the gut of beetle distorted in position from former passing by the cosmic alignment - with the intention that of the beacon not transmitting its ancient sign. It sent out, like a torch shining brightly beside the tide. And year after year, the dirt trails had forgotten the passerby’s of creature. The wooden oak, with routs long plunged into the plot amidst the Hebrides had sense, befitting their worn old age, began to mold, reduce, and decay into only that which would be suitable of smaller and less minded beings.

The signal called; however, there was none from this consign to rejoin its arid message but the forlorn, dry airstream drifting, by and by, amidst the cliffs and black rocks littering the zone. Even the lifeless, flaccid[COLOR=‘Gray’], and elderly foliage long sense forgotten about the white noise. A sad omniscient tone bounced from the moldy wreck amidst the coast, through the innards of the hermit, and gull.

get some viagra

[E-Nelson]

@taxi_evil

Semi-colon is used to link two related sentences that don’t directly follow.

No. Try two related clauses.

@taxi_evil

Seems a lot of people here are criticising for the sake of it

Except everything I mentioned was absolutely necessary, and I didn’t mention everything that needed auditing.

[Jethrosoup]

@taxi_evil

Seems a lot of people here are criticising for the sake of it

How about for the sake of the fact that he asked for criticism.

[Spooboy]

@jethrosoup

How about for the sake of the fact that he asked for criticism.

Yup

Be as nit picky as you want. And thanks a lot guys, this has helped greatly.

[gibbelin]

It has a bit of the old Lovecraftian “adjectivitis” and it reads like you sat there writing it with a thesaurus in hand – almost to the extent of being unintentionally funny.

So yeah, it has purple prose syndrome like someone above said. There was only one Poe and one Dunsany and no one else should probably write in that style again, lest it seem corny.

Sorry, I don’t really have any specific critiques on what could be done to change it. I just don’t think that that style of writing is effective any more, and it hasn’t been for about 80 years.

[papernick]

@OP Title

Need some critism

:hmph:

[Maxey]

Yeah, how do you plan to be a writer if you can’t type “criticism” properly?

Oh god that felt good. Had to wait almost a week to finally post this.

[BrAndi]

I missed Maxey. He is like a radiant heater: Hot, but no flames.

My only advice: write as much as you can and read it aloud.
If YOU don’t feel connected to the text while you are reading it aloud, chances are nobody else will.