Yeah. I can tell you it sucks. Not 30 yet, but already in that category.
Brother, Catz is right.
Do yourself and her a favor though, make it something simple. Do not “TRY” too hard. In this case, the Zen/Toist thing it likely the best approach. Show up, and be in the moment.
For what it is worth, find out what she likes to do, and then take it from there. If she likes the ocean, then go for a walk on the beach. If she likes the forest, then go on a hike. If she is into mugging old folks, then feel free to come and visit, because we have lots of them here (cough) Only bring a vid camera and post it on YouTube for the LOLs.
One thing else to consider, is that women are social creatures, and connection is HUGE in both their emotional and Psyche landscape - So, be sure to ask questions about HER. What she is interested in, what her plans are for the future, what she likes to do. Be a sort of passive observer as it were, because based on what she tell you, you should get a rough draft of compatibility - All relationships are about relating and communicating with each other. Without that, why bother?
For what it may be worth.
(Sound reasonable Catz?)
Danson… is it time to invoke the apocalypse opener?
Bolded parts mostly. I’ve been in a really bad situation (relationship is too generous a word) for a long time, and now it’s over and I want it back, but I can’t.
I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of time on losing things rather than gaining them, and I’m sick of being alone.
Date.
A lot.
And I mean a LOT.
Ask out everyone gal that tickles your fancy but be up front with "I just wanna find someone to have some light fun with. Nothing permanent". You can have some really good times with what I call "time killers" while you get over the bad situation.
I found my soulmate when I was was rather bold in saying I was “NOT looking for THE guy”.
Not to say you will find your soulmate, but the best way to move on is to simply work at moving on. :hugs and kisses to your wounded heart:
It is hard, but I encourage you to jump in and give it some gusto.
Relationships are very much like a table. Two legs from one person, two legs from the other.
If a person comes into a relationship with damaged legs (In terms of the long haul - we are all damaged to some degree) it is going to be very difficult for the table to be level.
A square table with three legs (as it were) is not going to work so well.
Not wanting to be alone is understandble. But then, this is a great time to look at your legs (Wait a tick, that doesn’t sound quite right). We do not draw the people we want so much as the people we are willing to function with - If on our part, we don’t have ourselves sorted out, then we will try and draw from others to fill/replace/give us/ make up for what we lack.
Use this time to work on you Brother Burbinator, and it is will pay off in spades for a when the one you WANT (not so much need) shows up.
All the best.
What note said. =D
Well, then again Catz, what you said makes great sense too - Dating for the sake of is wonderful - as long as a person can keep it in that frame, until they are really ready to make a go of it with one person. The hard part is knowing HOW to be sure - but then, I do not think that is to found with how happy you are with the other person, so much as how happy you are with yourself.
But dating just because is a lot of fun. And let’s face it, ending up with a friend is a lot better than ending up with someone you fell for and then try to figure who they are after the fact… just sayin’
:rolleyes:
Dating. SO many pressures eh? Making the understanding up front is easy.
“Nothing serious, but would you care to go see “Avitar” with me? You are always a blast to hang with and I would rather not do a movie alone”
It is keeping it light that can sometimes be a challenge. (girl / guy insists on seeing more into it than what you barganed for) BUT the benefits of no commitment dating are very rewarding for the soul in my humble opinion.
I was actually just planning to befriend the girl more before going out with her, although it might be weird, seeing as how I told her I liked her already. It seemed like a good idea for the same reason Note said.
Hahaha
Samzala,
So, would that be a relationship with ourself?
Hahaha
Well done.
Well, saying “I like you” or for that matter, “I am interested in you” is not the same as asking someone out. It merely means that you told them that you like them. We humans are good at adding meaning to something that really should not be there - or, if nothing else, we hope for. Regardless, you are wise DenDrio for approaching it like this. Keep it simple, and don’t complicate things. I think it fair to say that chicks don’t dig guys who make things too complicated.
OMG I read the apocalypse opener just now. Does it really work? Girls?
All I can think now is :fffuuu:
Damn, I don’t think I have the nerve to do it. Do I?
No, but you putting everyone in the 4 table prefix was what bugged me. Not everyone is the same person. There are different sorts of tables. [COLOR=‘Black’]You can only blame yourself for using that analogy. 
Like this here one is made of purty oak. Nice and hard, mmm.
Ah, Sorry you were bugged Samzala.
I think you get my meaning just the same.
Two people make a relationship regardless of the shape - What they bring into that relationship will determine the long haul health of it.
(thought your example was funny just the same)
The opener only works if you have self respect or some degree of self esteem at least.
Or you are a good actor. Right now I cannot take rejection very well. I really AM desperate, and it shows through no matter what I do. I am not even sure I deserve to be happy. I am suffering from learned helplessness and have a big problem with self motivation.
In the past weeks I have been avoiding to tell my ex fiancé any words of compassion or love, because I’d rather flee from here and live my own life somewhere else. I have witnessed her noticing this and reacting to it with increased tenderness towards me. More snuggling up against me in bed before sleeping, more “luv u”, more use of nicknames, more little presents in between.
I know she’s probably just trying to keep me for her convenience (I cook meals, wash dishes, bring out the trash, help her get along with her therapy…), but it tears me apart from inside. It’s gotten so far that I am much more used to pain and suffering than to bliss and happiness. I am actually even afraid of trying to escape that state, because at least it is something I know and am used to, and know what to expect of. Where there is no hope, there can be no disappointment.
I am terrified of falling in love with another girl, again, and again being rejected like so many times before. Through my preteens and puberty I was constantly in a state of unhappy love. My mother still remembers this time and told me she was, in turn, in a constant state of fear of losing me, because she observed my suicidal tendencies.
So, in short: I would maybe manage to try the apocalypse opener ONCE. And it would be my last time.
Brother Danson, It is hard to hit a moving target.
“A brave man may face and kill a lion, but no one can win against an army of ants”
With what you have said, a few things come to mind -
(I offer this because I appreciate what you bring to this forum, not because I want to blow smoke up my ass as a self appointed wise sage)
You said:
“I am not even sure I deserve to be happy.”
Brother, regardless of whether you “feel” you deserve to be happy or not, you NEED to be happy at least some of the time. From a psyche point of view, in order for your brain and body to work right, you need to have certain levels of various neurotransmitters present.
That being said, it is no accident that in our brains, when we laugh, we get a good healthy shot of both Dopamine and Ocytocin. Some folks, after having been on anti-depressants, have been taken off the drugs (with their doctor’s supervision) because they responded well to Laughter therapy. There are varoius methods, but in short, they are instructed to watch movies/shows/listen to comedians and various other things, that make them laugh. It is a consistant diet of it. They are also told to watch themselves smiling in the mirror for 20 per day. (I am not suggesting this last one) Brother, you must not base your health choices on how you feel. You should base them on what is wise. Being sad all the time is not good for you. So what you FEEL about this, does not matter so much as you NEEDING to be happy.
You said;
“It’s gotten so far that I am much more used to pain and suffering than to bliss and happiness.”
Time to change this - You will find a way, and for your long haul future, you MUST. Learned helplessness or not brother, it does not change the fact that you are responsible for you. NOt only that, but you are able brother - that is the key here.
Also, I am confused somewhat… With your Ex… how is that you are spending so much time together? Do you have a kid(s) together? If not, then what’s up with that? If you are not together, then you are NOT together. Unless you have kids, then there are still very clear boundaries that you will do well to put in place and maintain. This situation seems primed for pain on your part. You need to stack it so that it is a win for you.
You said;
“I am terrified of falling in love with another girl, again, and again being rejected like so many times before.”
So then don’t. Don’t fall in love. Grow love instead. Brother, our biology will lie to us, and take us where we should not go. I realise that people are not Volcans, however, we CAN put into play checks and balances. Besides brother, it sounds like you are not in a place where that should even be on the menu. You need some you time, and to get a handle on the happiness factor. If you can not be happy on your own, you will NOT be happy with someone else. No one can make us happy. It is most times, very much a choice. If you are contented with you, then a partner can be, because people pick up on that sort of thing.
For me, I went through the divorce thing, and it near killed me. (Not to mention the pain and suffering my kids and ex went though - I thank what ever God there may be that things have worked out as well as they have) I am contented with being on my own. I used to hate me - what chance in hell did I (or my partner) ever have for a reasonable relationship? Umm that would be… zero. At this point, because I am contented, I can look for a partner (Should I choose to) out of a sense of choice, not “need”. It is a very different place, and a good one.
You have a good mind Brother - You need life tools to build your life, not a partner. Find and learn the tools first, and then you can build one of the wonders of the world, not a fragged brick wall.
The first contact I had with one of my best friends was telling her that I liked her.
This is untrue headphones are a natural aphrodisiac.