Unfinished Story

I’ve been working on a story on and off for about three months now. I’ve seen a few different people post writing samples before, and I thought I’d like to get your opinion on the opening. Anything wrong with it? Would you be interested in reading more? Let me know! I want to see if this is worth continuing or not.

“If this is your first time, we recommend GD-22,” smiled the nurse, daintily plucking a vial of reddish liquid from the glass display rack. The GD series was awful as a whole, but 22 was at least swallowable for the most part. Of course, you wouldn’t think that by looking at it. It had the consistency of- hell, it even looked just like nail polish. As to the smell, I don’t even care to speculate a reasonable comparison. And yet, there I was- slamming my last 150 down on the counter, grinning like an idiot. But I couldn’t help it. In the end, 150 was a small price to pay for a new life.

Thanks for reading, guys and girls! Have at it

EDIT: The most up to date version of the story can now be found here: https://jottify.com/works/vince-in-exile/

Krazor, do you get off on making stupid threads?

Only between the hours of 8:00 and 8:00.

I’m hooked. Where’s the rest?

Thanks! It runs about five pages in my notebook. I only write when I really feel inspired, otherwise I think it sucks. I’m not a very good writer to begin with, so I want to make sure each idea that I throw in is a good one.

Here’s the next paragraph:

It was just a short drive from the Environmental Clinic to the shipyards in Krantz. Thanks to some old favors owed to me, I had managed to secure free transportation aboard a freighter bound for an obscure little speck of a planet called Rumar- the perfect place to evade military terms of service, debts to radical religious institutions, ex-wives, or in my my case, outstanding arrest warrants from certain Universal agencies. Though I was still in considerable danger, I couldn’t resist the seductive tug of cautious optimism that seized me as I finally spied the neon glow of the spaceport, just barely visible on the murky brown horizon. I was almost free.

Excellent, the writing style puts me in mind of a few books I’ve read. Try posting longer chunks though, it’s a little hard to follow through a thread :stuck_out_tongue:

Good job

Thanks! I’m just glad you guys are enjoying it! Here’s a bit more:

I ditched my car just outside the perimeter of the immigration compound and walked the rest of the way. Doubtless, the guards would have by now been instructed to be on the lookout for Director Yale’s staff car. (As though the bullet holes in the passenger’s side door wouldn’t have aroused suspicion to begin with.) I tried to appear as calm as possible I wandered through the main lobby to the designated meeting place. I was right on schedule, but my contact was nowhere to be found. Five minutes passed like five hours as I stood uncomfortably amongst a surging crowd of transients shouting over eachother in a swirling cacophony of a hundred or more languages that, for all I knew, might as well have been alien. But apprehension quickly gave way to utter panic as out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of two figures in grey suits- the uniform of Universal Customs and Trade Agency officers- picking their way through the crowd. They were in a hurry. And they were coming right towards me.

There is a subtle art to not looking suspicious. An art I have proven myself incapable of time and again. You’re not supposed to make eye contact, while at the same time looking like you’re not trying to not make eye contact. In my alarm, I believe that I ended up staring, wild eyed, at their mouths. They were just about arms length from me now. I lost my composure, and threw my head forward, staring at my shoes. I shut my eyes tightly as I felt a strong hand grip my shoulder-

you should write a book OP

good stuff

Holy crap! This deserves to be a book! Or even team BMS’s next source mod project!
I want to hear the rest of this, maybe some concept art too, eh?:retard:

Whoa, thanks everybody! Nah, it’s just something I kind of do in my spare time to unwind. I don’t have the patience, competence, etc. to actually do it regularly. I’ll write two page chunks at one sitting, and then won’t be able to write anything for months at a time. Eventually, I get to the point where I sit down and decide whether or not I want to keep working on one particular story or start a new one. That’s the point I’m at with this right now.

So as not to leave you guys on a cliffhanger:

and shove me out of the way. It wasn’t a very hard push, but it caught me off guard such that my legs buckled, and I fell to the ground backwards. Dazed though I was, I propped myself up on my elbows , and watched them as they went by. That’s when I caught sight of their rank insignia- a single white hexagon on their left sleeves. “Recruits,” I muttered to myself, breathlessly. I was just about to pick myself back up when a large, rough hand was suddenly thrust in front of my face.

“Vincent Lender?” came a gruff voice above and behind me.

I took the hand, and was presently jolted upright, turned to face a severe looking older gentleman of heavy build. His red face suggested that most of his adult life had been spent in unforgivingly cold climes, and was adororned with a short, white beard. His green eyes flashed from beneath his bushy eyebrows, either of which was made up of more hair than could be found anywhere else on his head. This was the man I had come to see.

“H-hello, Paul,” I stammered cheerfully, trying to look as though I hadn’t just pissed myself. All at once, Paul’s dauer features melted to reveal a warm, jolly smile. He grabbed my hand again, and began to shake it vigorously. “Hey ya, Vince! I was starting to think I wouldn’t see you again! How ya been? Well, I guess you wouldn’t be here if everything was going well, would you, haha! I just saw your little run-in with the CT’s. You should have seen the look on your face! I do apologize that I didn’t approach you then. Nothing personal, you understand, but I’ve got my interests to look after too! Come on, walk with me!”

Paul was a staunch practicioner of the rule that you should speak twice as much as you should listen. But that was probably his only flaw. On the whole, he was just about as honest and generous as they come. I first met him about three years ago when he came to me looking to “import” a particular sort of beverage that just happened to be flavored by the fruit of a very rare (very endangered) type of tree. When I returned to him with not just a bottle, but a whole case of the stuff, he swore to me his eternal gratitude, which was fortunate for me because Paul was the captain of his own private shipping vessel. As a result, he had unrestricted access to every non-military shipyard in the galaxy. So now, whenever I stepped on too many toes planetside, he would get me undocumented transport on ships destined for remote planets so that I could lay low for three months or so, until the UCTA had bigger problems to worry about. He was also probably the best friend I had.

Good writing. Wish I had the patients to write like that.

Thanks! It’s amazing what Adderall can do! I would give you people concept art… if I could art. Because I totally can’t.

Shall I continue?

yes!

Only too happy to oblige!

“So, what’s the story, Vince? Word is you really got the customs and trade boys stirred up! I’m not sure three months will do it. Might want to make it six.”

“I’m afraid it’s going to have to be more than six, Paul,” I said mournfully. “A lot more. They really got it in for me this time. I’m going to be taking my business elsewhere until further notice.”

“Oh…” said Paul, casting his eyes downward “That’s a real shame.” He seemed genuinely hurt.

“I’m sorry, mate! You know if it were up to me, I wouldn’t be going anywhere! Tell you what I’ll do. As long as I’m there, I’ll try and scrounge up some lagfruit to send back to you.”

“Really?” This seemed to brighten his spirits immensely.

“Count on it,” I said, flashing him my grin normally reserved for false promises.

“Good luck, Vince,” he said, extending his monstrous hand out one last time.

“Good luck, Paul,” I returned, giving him my best imitation of his own arm-dislocating salutations.

With that, I watched him disappear into the commotion of the docks.

At length, I turned to face the ship that would bear me to the other side of the galaxy. Unfortunately, it wasn’t much to look at. It was old. I might be tempted to go as far as to say antique. Its once smooth surface was pitted from collisions with meteors of varying magnitudes, and the shiny chromium was marred by thick black scorch marks. Though the freighter was small compared to all of the other ships in the yard, it was still enormous. It occurred to me that I really wasn’t in any position to complain.

I hurried aboard and found the area described in the handwritten note furnished by Paul. The good news was I was getting a free ride, no questions asked. The bad news was that I was in the storage clutch. Right next to the engines. Engines that sounded like thirty people screaming that raised in pitch as they cycled every fifteen minutes. Given the chance, (and a spacesuit), I might have rather held onto the wing.

It wasn’t long at all before we were underway. The ship heaved and groaned around me as it oriented itself upright and burst skyward. It’s a good thing the cargo was held in place magnetically, because if the G’s didn’t crush you, all of the junk sliding around down there certainly would.


That’s all I have concrete so far. Questions, comments, criticisms? I have some fragments to be added later in the story written up if anyone’s interested.

Also: The stuff he got at the very beginning is some sort of… thing to enable his tiny human lungs to breathe the atmosphere on this alien planet through some excruciatingly painful chemical… alterations. Or something like that. I need to say that somewhere, otherwise it loses relevancy. Problem is, I don’t know where to put it. I’m kind of attached to it being at the beginning, because that was the first idea I had that made me want to write this, but I may just have to get over myself.

lol lag fruit

Do you write stories about china wholesale ?

This is actually really good! I’m a bit of a writer myself- tried to get a project done for NaNoWriMo but had no time during November to finish the project. I hit 8000 words and just walled.

As for the bit on the lung-altering chemical, perhaps you could start the story with the effects of the drug hitting him, for an in media res feel.

Haha, yeah, it’s what you think. It’s fucking hard for me to make up names. Kind of like it’s fucking hard to play online games with massive lag. So I thought they’d love to play with eachother.

I don’t quite understand… China as in the country, or China as in plates and stuff? Yes to the former, no to the latter.

Hey, thanks! I just read your stuff, and I think it’s really good too! Pretty intense! I’ll play around with your idea, and see what I come up with!

I’ll post a few fragments when I get back from class.

This part occurs once he is on the planet, and is hawking cheap, smuggled junk to the native populatuion:

“Whrr-how durrs ut funk-tun?” murmured one bold Rumaren, cautiously approaching my bench.

“Sir,” I began, oozing melodramatic pride, and maybe just a hint of indignation, “this is the finest piece of technology approved for trade in the past fifteen moss!” I was fairly certain, (although not completely), that that was a long time to them.

Later, he meets some guy that he used to know. I have no idea where I’m going with this:

It was in the last few weeks of my second month on Rumar that I again crossed paths with my old, (and I use this term loosely), friend Adrian. Now, to the rest of the galaxy, (including a flatteringly large division of the UCTA), he was just Ace. But I knew him before all of that. Back when he was just a… (don’t know the rest.)

That’s really it this time. Thanks for reading everyone! If you have any questions, suggestions, or criticisms for me, I’d be happy to answer them, otherwise this thread can just drift away.

Good start, now I want to know what happens at the end of the story. And it must be at least 500 pages long.

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