I think I’m having a bit of a crisis. I’ve been a Halo fan since I was barely a post-toddler and I saw the macworld 97 footage on a screen in a kenyan game shop (long story) in 98. The sights and sounds and experiences that the franchise has exposed me to has been a part of my heart and soul for longer than the franchise has even officially existed. It’s also been fashionable to hate it for as long as I can remember. I’ve always been aware of the abysmal fanbase, and I’ve always wondered if in my affinity for the universe if I had adopted some of the traits of the average Halo fanboy. I always (and still do) feel terrified that there is a part of me that can relate to these people. So here I am, loving this game franchise to death, and hating its fanbase to death, while being a part of the fanbase. Now that 343 has taken over and is changing the identity of the universe, I’m surprised to say I feel absolutely nothing. I don’t like or dislike what they’ve done with the name. As a fan of Ghost in the Shell and Jin Roh, I appreciate the hell out of the less western aesthetic of the UNSC. It all resembles that “golden age” (1980s-mid90s imo) of Japanese sci fi media that always resonated with me and influences me the most as an amateur student animator/ character designer/ writer. It kinda hurts on a personal level to see the only Halo fans I could relate to, the ones that were above the misogyny and xenophobia that is “our” trademark as Halo fans, saying stuff like “343 ruined the game with this gay anime shit.” and “Halo fucking sucks now, it’s just a COD clone” when COD II was another formative game in my life.
I just feel like I’m in a weird position. Remember when Avatar came out and everywhere you could see, it was the younger Halo fans going “THIS IS HALO RIPOFF” while everyone else went “Look, you stupid fucking kid. Halo is a rippoff of James Cameron’s Aliens anyway.”? (what the fuck do I do there grammatically? A quote that ends in a period within a question…muh mind) That shit gives me shame. Those kids are extensions of me god damn it. We’re in the same “club” aren’t we? That’s what people on the outside think of us anyway, what is anything I do going to do to change their mind? Now whenever the subject comes up that I like Halo, people automatically put my face on those stupid fucking comments everywhere and think less of me. I guess that’s what the more mellow Bronies feel like.
I still love Halo. Absolutely nothing about Halo seems to like me back. Not when I involve myself in the modding community. Not when my own work echoes my influences from the franchise. Not when I assert my feelings on any particular subject pertaining to something we’re all supposed to like. I can’t relate to anything. What the fuck am I doing? It’s just a game, isn’t it? Can’t I ignore those 12(give or take four) out of 20 years of my life? It is after all time I start carving my own path instead of obsessing over other’s, but I can’t keep what Bungie and 343 have done out of what I do and I can’t keep my hands off of what they do. This is not something to get emotional about, yet here I am with a fucking lump in my throat because I’m realizing that I never really fit in with a crowd I always thought I was a part of. Halo isn’t something I can ignore. I feel obligated to see it to the end no matter how ridiculous it gets. I can’t stop liking Halo, but I feel like It would be healthy if I tried to force myself to. The very fact that I’ve written this makes me feel like shit. Every single one of my wall texts on this forum have been about Halo for fuck’s sake. Is there really nothing else going on in my life? Am I really that much of a sack of shit? I’m 20 living with my goddamn parents. I don’t have a fucking job during the summer, and if I did, it would be at Petsmart or Radioshack or some bullshit like that. I’m not qualified to do anything more substancial than that shit-tier shit because I decided to put my life energy in getting into an ART COLLEGE (there, think even less of me please) majoring as an ANIMATOR for fuck’s sake. NOW I’m reading the words of professionals who were in the trades that I’d like to be a part of and they’re all saying it’s a mistake. So am I doubly wasting my life? Am I begging that fucking hard to crash and burn? I should have a real job by now. I should have a rocky and uninformed relationship with a goddamn girlfriend and my own shitty apartment because that’s what fucking 20 year olds do. I went to highschool with people who are now SELF SUSTAINING ADULTS WITH WIVES AND KIDS. I’M AFRAID TO DRIVE. I’M AFRAID TO FUCKING DRIVE. It’s not that I can’t. It’s not the responsibility and cost that fucks me off either (though that is a bitch), it’s that I’m actually terrified of the prospect of controlling a machine with thousands of moving parts and weighs a ton. That’s fucking pathetic. I could AT LEAST be doing figure drawings and studying anatomy and color theory and all that shit just to keep my right brain pumped, but no. I’m here. Here I am complaining about my fandom and wondering if whether or not it’s dragging me down Well, I think I just answered my own fucking question. I’m so tempted to write “goodbye” here in all caps, but I know I’ll be right the fuck back here within the god damn hour.
This is dragging way on, but as some of you can tell, this is a bit therapeutic. At least I know that my feelings of self loathing seem to be me being overly attached to the escapes I had from peer abuse in my childhood. Now all I need to do is get a fucking job and maybe a girl who hates me the way I do. When this is over, I’m gonna… ah, who am I fucking kidding?
