Fair enough about the “fuck” in the line(s), just wanted it to give some emphasis.
I would’ve assumed that just one or two cameras would be forcibly rendered while the rest are just static shots.
Fair enough!
Just remeber that BM is set in new mexico(they don’t say friggin’, sodding or cross) or at least When I’ve been in Texas I’ve never heard someone saying "friggin’ ".
About my script you should keep:
-jarheads. It must seem derogatory!
-We gotta run like hell.
-you’ll finish a 6-pack with those lambda boys(-cheerful-)! even though is not the original line,sounds really american.
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so those nasty things can’t chase you down!
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The situation has gone from smooth to total shit in a sec!(It’s a modified version of a line in the movie “Zombieland”)
I’d use as a reference:
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The walking dead (I love the way they speak!!!) in an episode one of the actors says: You scare the shit out of me!! I love it!
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Sawyer of Lost
Some people do, I’m one of them. Despite it being the internet I’ve lived in the Southern United States for most of my life. I’ll compose something when I get home (Univ).
Also, the “beer” thing is a stereotype.
If he’s planning to come with you, it doesn’t really make sense to say you need to open the tunnel yourself. He could say “We’ll have to open the tunnel”, and something general like “should be no problem” instead of “you should be able to do it yourself”.
The last part doesn’t need to be said until he actually leaves (if he’s still alive). You walk into the tunnel and then, “okay, looks like you can carry on through safely, I’ll go back and lock…”
^Typed out a dialogue myself.
Maybe add in a line for him to say when you get to that vent. Something about you going ahead and him going back to help anyone else or lock the gates etc. just have him re-iterate that when you get to that point. It makes it seem much more real than him just standing there looking at you saying nothing as you leave.
The line about his buddies and him locking the area down…not entirely successful. If you add this in you should think about adding at least one other security guard body somewhere in the area or make it buddy instead of buddies since there’s only one body right now. Also if he says ‘we holed up in here’ it makes it sound like they all were in that room you find him in.
“Jesus Christ it’s a frigging warzone out there! Shit’s really starting to escalate beyond control!” I don’t like this line much to be honest it just doesn’t seem like the way the barneys usually talk. If you do use this instead of something on the monitor you could just have a large explosion sound outside and an environment shake.
A nice dialogue, and the lines fit for sure, but it’s just too long winded. If you want to try mucking around with it some more, I reckon the general length of my last entry was about perfect. Gets in enough exposition, without being so long the player gets bored/stops paying attention.
@Jessiestorm
You’re critiquing my old dialogue. Read the new one, just above Chickenprotector’s post. Already addresses your complaints 
.
To all else, bear in mind this is a rough draft of an idea which may never be realised. I don’t even know if Barney’s voice actor is going to agree, not in the slightest. There may be ANY number of complications involved.
^ Fair enough. I like writing stuff in some cases when I get the time. You can go ahead and cut out what you feel is redundant, if you want to use the dialogue I posted.
Edit: Better?
just a note you will need line for why he can’t follow you into the vents.
I think your latest rendition of the dialogue is excellent Textfamguy. I think you should definitely leave the ‘Hopefully there ain’t nothing too big and nasty along the way’ line hanging as it is at the end of a sentence without further explication, as it adds a delightful irony for the the coming Garg encounter. In fact I think the phrasing from your original post ‘and you won’t meet anything too big along the way’ perpetuates the irony better because of its definitiveness, its complete denial of the possibility of something big getting in and the faith in the success of Barney’s plan.
Textfamguy has a line for that at the end of his posted dialogue
I think putting this direct extra warning in about the dangers up ahead subverts the great irony of his hope that nothing big and nasty will be in the tunnels
Sure I think the line makes sense in the world, I just think from a more abstract perspective of what effect it has on the player I like the dangling line about there probably being no danger ahead. Also duly noted about the edit button, thanks for the heads up!
Could be re-worded, but if he’s been watching the monitors the entire time you can expect him to know that the aliens teleport in, not walk around like normal things do. It’s more of a reference to the firefight on the road, additionally, the security lockdown is for the Gasworks and the adjacent parking garage I could be wrong, but that’s what I incorporated it as.
Also, bottom-right of your post(s) double posts is something common, but the mods tend to merge them (and delete the second one). Just for future reference, use that instead of posting a second time. (not trying to be hostile, just pointing it out)
I thought you hate escorts.
I do. You don’t have to escort with him, all the other dialogue is just if you decide to bring him with you.
An escort quest and an optional escort are quite different.
If you wanted you could kill Barney the moment he opens everything for you, then press the button on the console yourself and carry on through as if nothing had happened.
That’s very different to an escort quest. The extra dialogue is just for those who’d prefer to have Barney with them.
I’d shrink it a bit more.
It’s seems a lot of work with Faceposer…
Edit:
I’ve noticed that you can kill Barney before he opens that door.
You should activate a game-over(see as a reference what happen if you kill the scientists in the final part of Lamba Core)
Shrinking it because it’s a lot of work in Faceposer is a bad excuse. Shrinking it because you think there’s too much dialogue and it kills the scene a bit, I might consider doing, but just because it’s a lot of work in Faceposer, that doesn’t put me off. I’m glad to put the work into this scene because it’s important.
You can kill Barney before he opens the door, but why is that a problem? You can’t kill him before he unlocks everything, or you do get a game over. Come on man, I’ve had like, 3 complaints about this now, so I’ll put it as clearly as possible.
You. Can. Climb. Out. The. Window. You. Came. In. It doesn’t magically get blocked off when Barney dies.
There’s no point making it a game over when you kill Barney after he’s pressed the button when you can carry on regardless. The ONLY reason for having those game overs is when the player puts himself in a position where he can’t carry on, and that only happens if you kill him before he presses the button. Once he’s pressed the button, you can carry on regardless, so the game should allow you to do so.
Solid, flawless logic.
Shrink it
Why?
Make The scene more iconic, If I understand correctly you consider it quite important.
Hence I’d use all the words needed, not one more, not one less.
I advice you to try to act this script and see If everything for you is in its place or if there’s something redundant.
Everything should flow smooth, It must seem real.
About the game-over option.
Yeah, your right I didn’t think about it, because in these situations I generally use noclip.
The new version is good, though I am finding the ‘There ain’t gonna be nothing’ bit a tad too colloquial. Maybe he can say ‘there shouldn’t be anything too big and nasty along the way’. (I know I was saying about having definitiveness with this line earlier, but I think ‘shouldn’t’ used in this context implies he is sure if said confidently and reassuringly as I assume this line is meant to be read, and preserves the irony. Also thinking about it, stating there definitely won’t be any danger would come off as unnatural)
Also I think using the line ‘the shits really hit the fan’ is better than the ‘shits spiraling out of control’ one.
On a slightly different note, would it not make sense for the button in the security control room to unlock the two normal doors of the security control room. As at the moment even after he presses the security lock down button only he can open the exit door to his left, which would be fine except those doors do not have any conventional locking mechanism visible on them and thus they are presumably remotely locked, so there is no reason why the security guard would be able to open them at the door and the player not. What do you think?
That looks good, read it out to yourself (speak to yourself, and ask yourself if it’s something you would actually say in that situation). Needs to be tweeked slightly more to make sense.
I wanted the line about the aliens coming out of the walls though. 
No worries, I heard it in opposing force, thought it’d be a good fit here too. All in all, if you can convince the VO to help you out, that would be awesome. Good luck.
Edit: This may be pushing the action too far, but what the hell, might as well throw it out there while it’s on my mind. The .50 cal fight, why not have it come in a few waves of aliens. I felt that little fight was lacking… could be the .50 cal though…
@Eli, the guard doesn’t need to say just one sentence. It works better if you can iterate it properly. Text’s draft has the right amount of lines and words to make sense and not keep the player in the dark about most things.