In the beginning of December, I got very drunk and became intimate with a very close friend I’ve always been attracted to but never had the courage to make a move on. Now, this friend is very open sexually, so I figured I’d keep it at a friends with benefits type thing. But then I realized I really wanted to take it to the next level, so I asked her out at the end of the month, and our anniversary is on the 23rd.
Now, what I knew (but really didn’t understand) while dating her was that she identifies as polyamorous, meaning she has a need to have more than one romantic relationship. That’s not really how I roll, but I figured I would just enjoy myself and have fun…I’d have the capability to go out and date other girls once in a while, so accepted this. But here’s the thing…she wanted to date her ex-boyfriend on the side. She had dated him for a year, and had been dumped by him six months prior. She said she was in love with him. She also said that I’d be her Primary and gain time and living arrangement benefits, while he’d be the secondary she’d see once in a while. But since she already loved him, I felt like I would end up being neglected and relegated to a secondary position automatically; I said “NOPE,” and after a long extended discussion, we shelved the idea of dating. About a week later, she sent me a text telling me to forget about the ex…she wanted me and would be willing to give him up for me. I accepted.
It took about two weeks for her to bring up the topic of dating her ex again. She begged. She pleaded. She bargained. She’d give up all other secondaries and hookup buddies…just me and him. I was a stonewall for the first hour of this. I said that it was insulting that she’d bring this up again considering it’s what kept me from dating her in the first place. But she went on and on. Regrettably, I folded. I said that she could. I am weak, what can I say…she wasn’t taking “No” for an answer…and I was afraid of losing her if I continued to refuse. My reasoning was that I was in a better position than I was in before…she’s understanding, helpful, and patient. If you know my romantic past and how it damaged me…that’s sort of a huge plus for me.
But now it’s actually happened. He’s accepted her bid and now he is her secondary. I want to pretend he doesn’t exist and I told her never to mention him. But I still know…and now I can’t get it out of my head. I don’t know how to cope with it. She says this is a trial period thing and I can end it if I feel like it is damaging our relationship. But I don’t know how to handle it until I can reasonably call it off.
). This is the type of situation that is usually irreconcilable for most people, and it doesn’t sound like you are any different than us in that regard (I couldn’t do it either). You like her, and that is all well and good, but she isn’t for you. You had your fun, and now it is time to find someone more in tune with your sensibilities.