(Warning, long post ahead)
I actually don’t really remember how I discovered the Half-Life series. I got into the series via Portal, and I don’t recall where I first heard of that.
I grew up with almost no exposure to video games (save for things like Bugdom, Nanosaur, and Marble Blast Gold), since my parents wouldn’t get me any and my early experiences with computer games at school convinced me that I just wasn’t meant for them (because I was terrible at them), so I didn’t play them with friends either. Then the trailer for BioShock aired and it filled me with awe; I decided right then and there that when I had my own money and a good enough computer, I was going to buy that and play it, and try out other games too. And then, I don’t remember how I found out about Portal, but that ended up being the first “real” video game I played. My computer at the time didn’t meet the system requirements for the licensed game, so I torrented it. It didn’t run incredibly well, but I didn’t know the difference and I really enjoyed it. From there I found out about Half-Life 2 and the episodes, and played them as well.
(In case you’re wondering, I bought them on Steam, and I bought Portal on Steam too once I had a computer that could run it.)
By then I was roped in. I waited for Portal 2 with bated breath, and played it for the first time at a party I threw to celebrate/mock the Rapture (lol). Then I found out about Freeman’s Mind (again, don’t remember how) and started watching that, and then reading the Combine OverWiki, and learning in a rather oblique way about the plot of Half-Life.
To be honest, because of how old it is, my lack of exposure to games when I was young, and my lack of exposure to old games in general, Half-Life itself never seemed like a game I’d really have a great time with, and it still doesn’t. And I loved Half-Life 2 and its story, but I couldn’t get myself to really care about Half-Life’s story. It just wasn’t compelling for me. When I watched Freeman’s Mind and imagined what the game is like to actually play, the characters didn’t feel seem real, and because you don’t connect with anyone emotionally, the protagonist didn’t feel real, either.
But then I found out about Black Mesa, (oddly enough I don’t remember how that happened either), and that got me really excited. I tend to derive more enjoyment from games that have better or more realistic graphics, so I knew that, whether I cared about the story or not, I’d enjoy playing a Half-Life that looked and behaved more like Half-Life 2, than one that looked like Half-Life actually does. So I got stoked for Black Mesa, and waited.
And when I played that… Oh my God, that changed everything. I was shocked to find myself caring about Gordon’s journey on a level that rivalled Half-Life 2. I found myself caring about everyone else in the facility. After I launched the rocket, as I gazed at the moon above the silo (holy shit that night sky is beautiful, good job guys), I imagined how I would be feeling right now, if I were Gordon. The guilt and fear and anger that would be rolling around in my head, now that I actually had a moment of peace to think. And I felt overwhelmed emotionally by this immersion into his situation, because I realized how how truly awful and incredibly lonely it was. That sense of “In The End You Are On Your Own” stayed with me through the rest of the game — and beyond, because it coloured my experience with Blue Shift and Opposing Force when I finally played them. (I still haven’t played Half-Life; I’ve only gotten partway through “Unforeseen Consequences”.)
As I gazed at that moon, I also realized how brave Gordon was. Now that he’s had time to really think about how fucked up this situation is, surely his resolve might be wavering, just a little. And he could just decide he’s had enough, that he can’t do this anymore, and try to wait out the rest of the disaster out here. But he’s not going to. He’s going to keep moving forward, because there are lives at stake and he has to fix this. “Courage Is Not the Absence of Fear”.
To my amazement, as “End Credits 2” rolled, I thought of all Gordon had endured, all he had sacrificed, all he had witnessed, and how many people died…and I was sad. As Gordon, didn’t know what would happen to the people I had left behind; I didn’t know if I could fix all this; I didn’t know if what I was about to do would be worth everything I had already suffered. I didn’t know if I would even survive. And I was still, ultimately, totally alone. All I had as I prepared to face whatever horrors lay beyond, were memories of people getting killed and people suffering. My heart felt so heavy. And yet I was awestruck, too. Because I had connected on an emotional level with a story that I had thought held no emotional value. That’s what Black Mesa did for me.
So, even though this started as a post about how I discovered the Half-Life series and Black Mesa, it ends as a thank you to the Crowbar Collective, for taking the story of Half-Life and giving it the power to move me.
