When I close the blinds, head into my mother’s basement, and hear the sounds of my 1337 gaming setup. 
Right after I eject a massive turd into the toilet.
You know it’s true.
Often when I need to wake up for uni I suddenly find a much more comfortable sleeping position that I can’t use. Once I found it when I could use it, bliss.
when I found the secret sleep button in my brain
I can pass out any time even when I “can’t sleep”
the secret is smoke weed
new one: i just learned to snowboard in 2 days. fuck yeah.
like, confidently toe- and heel-side carving and all that. yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Every time a lady informs me how good I am.
Which is every time.
Too bad “every time” means “every two or three years when I get enough money to hire a prostitue”
first time i put my fist up my butt
new one: i got some lemonheads
I like turtles.
when I first managed to tie my shoes
yesterday btw
:awesome:
the ones with the red lights in the heels are the only true shoes
Yesterday I brushed my teeth without throwing up.
shit i’ve been outed.
new one: i made some soup, it was o.k.
I put bbq chicken wings in toaster oven and like 2 hours later they were still cold so I put them in the microwave for 2 minutes and it was done.
Then I was worried about the food being raw and shit and I looked on the box says microwave allowed. FUCK YEAH
microwaved food tastes like rubber
and it’s POISONNNNN
First time I stuck it in her pooper.
